As my parents embark on the renovation of their 50 year old home, I found this 'rule book' and thought it too good not to share with them and you! Enjoy!
The Renovator's Rulebook
Rule 1: Any drop of paint, released at
ladder height will hit the one gap in your plastic sheeting.
Rule 2: Any step made backwards off a
ladder will be into an open can of paint.
Rule 3: The only fabric you can bear the
sight of will be the most expensive one in the shop. Ordering it will involve a
three-month wait.
Rule 4: The marital argument over whether
to choose the ''Calypso Blue'' or the ''Ocean Breeze'' for the kitchen
cupboards will rise in intensity according to the degree to which the two
colours are indistinguishable.
Rule 5: The marital argument over whether
to choose the ''Calico Breeze'' or the ''Desert Sands'' will be just as
astonishing, which is surprising since both are identical shades of what used
to be called ''off-white''.
Rule 6: The builder's initial estimate
should be seen as a work of fiction so rich and imaginative that it could be
entered in the Booker Prize for Fiction.
Rule 7: It's not true that the builder will
never turn up. In fact, he'll turn up on day one, at precisely the time
promised, whereupon he will disconnect your plumbing, remove a section of your
roof, then disappear for six months.
Rule 8: Cans of paint come in quantities of
one litre, four litres or 12 litres, while all Australian bedrooms are
constructed to require quantities of 1.2 or 4.2 or 12.2 litres. This means
there is no Australian shed without a three-metre stack of old paint tins.
Rule 9: Every Australian man, when buying
methylated spirits for a cleaning job, is required to say to the guy serving: ''Have
you got any cold ones?'’
Rule 10: Every Australian man when using a
G-clamp is required to say: ''It's just one of my many vices.''
Rule 11: Every Australian man when using a
stud-finder before drilling a hole for a picture hook, is required to hold the
device against his own body and when the bulb lights up say: ''Pretty accurate,
eh?''
Rule 12: All hardware items have strange
Yorkshire-sounding names such as nondles, blurgins and grogans. This is to
provide entertainment to people who work in hardware stores.
Rule 13: The builder will never listen to
the radio station you listen to yourself: if you like Alan Jones, he'll be on
Classic FM; if you like Classic FM, he'll be on Triple M. Oh, and he likes it
loud.
Rule 14: Important decisions are always
made by the builder during the five minutes you are away from the site,
including the decision to knock a hole for a window in the wrong wall and to
pebblecrete the heritage-listed sandstone facade.
Rule 15: The height at which you place the
door handles will seem a matter of enormous importance for the three days
during which it's an issue but will then never again enter your mind.
Rule 16: Cement dust, released by a builder
at the far end of your backyard, will find its way into your underwear drawer
by means still not understood by science.
Rule 17: The dollar figure - ''our absolute
limit'' - mentioned on the first day you walked into the architect's office
will become a shameful secret, never again mentioned by either side.
Rule 18: The tool you need is always
missing.
Rule 19: Telephone calls always come when
you are atop a ladder with a loaded paint-roller. They are always a wrong
number.
Rule 20: When working with electricity it's
crucial to make sure you have everything you need. These comprise: an insulated
screwdriver, a pair of wire cutters, life insurance.
Rule 21: The rubbish skip must by law be
supplied by a company with a bad pun in its name, such as ''Skip the Tip'',
''Hop, Skip and Dump'' or ''Where'syourbin''.
Rule 22: If you live in Paddington or
Balmain you are required to paint at least one surface in the colour ''Hog's Bristle''.
Rule 23: If you live in Turramurra or
Haberfield, you are required to paint at least one surface in the colour
''Brunswick Green''.
Rule 24: If the whole room shrinks in hot
weather, you've used too much wood filler.
Rule 25: Any improvement will make
everything else look worse. ''If only we could get a new couch,'' you say, but
once you heave the glorious purchase into place, your eye will be drawn to the
carpet, which used to look fine but now, with a brand-new couch sitting on it,
appears to suffer from a medical condition. You then re carpet at which point
your eye is attracted to the wall, which used to look fine but now …
Still want to go ahead?
Now that's what I
call courage!.
x KL
Thank you for stopping by my blog. You are very welcome and encouraged to comment, I love receiving feedback!
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